Ugly Truth.

Okay so first entry. Let me just explain why I decided to do this. I mean I could say I'm doing this to help other people like me and yadayada but then I'd be telling only half the truth. I'm partially doing this for me because I feel like the only way to let these things go and live my life is to put my truth into the atmosphere and live in it. If you're even getting to read this it means in this big world full of people God had us cross paths and you mean something to me. Read this...don't read it either way it's out there so I'm good. First off...I hate my father. Hates a strong word I know but I hate him. I just don't talk about him anymore not because I'm over it but because in my head if you don't talk about something then it doesn't exist anymore. Same rule applied for him or so I thought. When my mom told me she was suing him for child support I was pissed because I don't want his effin money I want him to disappear. I hate the fact that I look like him. I hate the fact that he gave me his stupid asthma. I hate the fact that even after I promised myself I was done with him I still wrote him a letter begging him to answer the one burning question in my head: "Why did you leave me?". That was weak I should've let it and him go a LONG time ago. I think that's my problem I always stay too long for people who never even showed up. Which bring to my second point. Boys. I would love to write a monologue about how these males came into my life and I had no idea they were no good but that would be a lie. I'm here to tell truths. I knew what I was getting into the minute they slid into my DM's or sent me a text when my friends (who were sometimes their girlfriends) weren't looking. I'm just not a good judge of character. Scratch that...yes I am I'm just not good at listening to said character judging. I would rather lie to myself to have these boys than be alone. I am afraid of being alone. There I said it. I wear my heart very loosely on my sleeve and love fiercely so when I fall I fall hard. The sad thing is every boy that I've dealt with (there were 6) came....took something from me...and left. In that order. I swear when the right one comes I'll have nothing left to give. To every female who's self esteem I've lowered and who's feelings I've hurt because of a boy...believe my when I tell you I'm so sorry. I'm also single so if it's any consolation...he didn't love me either. Before I wrote this I was a selfish version of me purely driven by emotions contemplating suicide on the low. Now I'm trying to be a selfless version of me who's learning not to look for love in the arms of a boy. God is working on me I'm just hoping you guys can be patient with me. If you're reading this I love you and you read it until the end so I know you love me. Mary Jane once said:" Make sure to tell people that you love that you will love them no matter how ugly their truth is." Bye.