To Whom it May Concern...

Best friend:someone with whom one shares the strongest kind of friendship. Would you say our friendship is strong? That would be ridiculous because you are benefiting my life in absolutely no way right now. I don't know if you ever really did because from my perspective this friendship has always been one sided. I have lied for you...I have hurt people for you....I have allowed you to get away with things other people wouldn't have gotten away with. All for you to lie to me...hurt me....turn your back on me when I needed you the most. You went from being the first person I call when I'm hurt to being the one hurting me. I should just leave you alone...but these memories torture me. They keep telling me that this is just a phase eventually you will be back to the person I knew. The one who treated me with importance....my childhood love because that's what you were. You know that right? You were the first boy I ever loved I may express my love differently than most for example, when I try to force you to put your seatbelt on or when I hound you to make decisions with your life because I see the potential you have. I'm sorry but that's how I show my love and if you push me away for that then maybe I'm not supposed to be in your life. I think when someone's been in your life for so long you're trained to care for them because there's not a day that goes by that your well being doesn't cross my mind. Time has made you one of the most important people in my life. I hate that. It infuriates me that the past me got so attached to you that the present me cannot let go. But you know what infuriates me more? The fact that you do not care. I could pour my heart out TODAY and it still wouldn't make a difference because you're an egotistical idiot. These years have made you pigheaded and you've forgotten who's ALWAYS been there. ME. I was there when these same people you call your friends had nothing but insults for you. I was there when you were struggling with low self esteem. I loved you. I really did. But you loved what I could do for you. Once the need disappeared....so did the attention you gave me. That's sad...I thought more of you. You disappointed me. How could you be so shallow? You almost ruined me this past summer you know. I used to sit in the tub with the shower running and just cry until I started dry heaving. Thank God I'm stronger now. We came close to being done with each other then. It was hard for a couple days....but it got better. The tears came less until they finally dried. Yes you apologized and we made up but that's not my point. My point is I know now I can live without you. I will be okay because there has to be better than you. There is a God so I know there has to be better than you. I think I'm going to have to let you go to find it. Nicki Minaj once said:" Still don't with death on 'em I just reflect on 'em." Bye.

Ugly Truth.

Okay so first entry. Let me just explain why I decided to do this. I mean I could say I'm doing this to help other people like me and yadayada but then I'd be telling only half the truth. I'm partially doing this for me because I feel like the only way to let these things go and live my life is to put my truth into the atmosphere and live in it. If you're even getting to read this it means in this big world full of people God had us cross paths and you mean something to me. Read this...don't read it either way it's out there so I'm good. First off...I hate my father. Hates a strong word I know but I hate him. I just don't talk about him anymore not because I'm over it but because in my head if you don't talk about something then it doesn't exist anymore. Same rule applied for him or so I thought. When my mom told me she was suing him for child support I was pissed because I don't want his effin money I want him to disappear. I hate the fact that I look like him. I hate the fact that he gave me his stupid asthma. I hate the fact that even after I promised myself I was done with him I still wrote him a letter begging him to answer the one burning question in my head: "Why did you leave me?". That was weak I should've let it and him go a LONG time ago. I think that's my problem I always stay too long for people who never even showed up. Which bring to my second point. Boys. I would love to write a monologue about how these males came into my life and I had no idea they were no good but that would be a lie. I'm here to tell truths. I knew what I was getting into the minute they slid into my DM's or sent me a text when my friends (who were sometimes their girlfriends) weren't looking. I'm just not a good judge of character. Scratch that...yes I am I'm just not good at listening to said character judging. I would rather lie to myself to have these boys than be alone. I am afraid of being alone. There I said it. I wear my heart very loosely on my sleeve and love fiercely so when I fall I fall hard. The sad thing is every boy that I've dealt with (there were 6) came....took something from me...and left. In that order. I swear when the right one comes I'll have nothing left to give. To every female who's self esteem I've lowered and who's feelings I've hurt because of a boy...believe my when I tell you I'm so sorry. I'm also single so if it's any consolation...he didn't love me either. Before I wrote this I was a selfish version of me purely driven by emotions contemplating suicide on the low. Now I'm trying to be a selfless version of me who's learning not to look for love in the arms of a boy. God is working on me I'm just hoping you guys can be patient with me. If you're reading this I love you and you read it until the end so I know you love me. Mary Jane once said:" Make sure to tell people that you love that you will love them no matter how ugly their truth is." Bye.